Harder To Breathe
by Sules
Summary: One wrong move could blow the man's world to pieces...one wrong move and someone will be history... one wrong move will send man sailing all directions and get a case of the blues. When love of man's life may become possibly just the breath in his prayers...JAM AU story... FINAL CHAPTER!
1. Prologue: One wrong move

**Disclaimer : **I don't own Flashpoint, CTV and ION…

The idea of this story plot is mine . Any similarities to stories of other authors are random and unintended. I'm just sayin'

**Editor : **KateEals - as always witty and cheeky :)

**Author's Note: ** And here we are , as I promised new story . Hope You'll get interested in it after reading this prologue. I'll try to publish it with frequency of once every one - two weeks.

However, the first chapter of already in the hands of the editor, so if the grasp the attention of this story will be quite noticeable, I will try to publish as soon as I get it back from Eals, without waithinf for deadline.

Peace out,

Sules

* * *

**_Prologue – One wrong move_**

* * *

"Sierra Two in position."

"Sierra Two, hold." Boss asked in concern glancing at the monitor, "Sierra One?"

"Sierra One, I've got the solution."

"Copy that, " Greg stated observing the subject's behavior from the truck. "Stand by, Sierra One."

"Jasper, look at me. Come on look at me, I know that you feel disoriented, like you have nothing to lose, but that's not true. I know how it is to work hard on your job and almost lose it, but there's nothing that can't be undone. Trust me , I want to help you..."

Jasper came closer and yelled waving his gun, "Shut up! You just shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about me! You want to help me, huh? " he stepped closer and smirked viciously raising his gun .

"_Scorpio!" _

The whistle of a bullet fired from a sniper rifle pierced the air and a second later, another shot of gunfire could be heard. The dull sound of fallen bodies hitting the floor resounded in the air a split second later, and the world froze for a second for the whole Team One.

"EMS, we need an EMS, SRU officer down," Spike called an ambulance while Greg crumpled his cap in the hands with rage. "St. Charles avenue and Malcolm square corner; I repeat we've got an SRU officer down."

At that instant, an almost inhuman roar of pain resounded through everyone's headset…

* * *

**Editor's Note: **Oh dear. That is all. Love, Eals.

* * *

**A/N:**

Aaaaaaaaaand? Did I interest you guys a bit in this story?

**Reviews are more than welcome!**

Sules


	2. Swingers don't sip colorful drinks on th

**Disclaimer : **Still everything that you can recognize here, isn't mine….

**Editor : **the same as in prologue

**Author's Note: **I am mean, pure evil and I absolutely love it . That's why I posted just a prologue. But due to the fact that many of you added my story to your alert or favorite list made me to publish chapter One earlier than I supposed to …. Thanks to **KateEals **that edited this chapter with lightning speed , maybe I won't get more Internet cut off threats from my readers hahah

So guys, I really appreciate that you are interested in this story. Hope you'll like this chapter . It's not very long, but it is necessary for my next chapters .

Anyways, open your eyes and enjoy the ride,

Later ,

Sules

* * *

_**Chapter I**_

_**Swingers don't sip colorful drinks on the beach**_

* * *

***2 hours earlier***

"A nice and peaceful patrolling shift," Jules sighed to Sam while driving their SRU SUV. "I'm such a lucky SRU constable."

"You don't fancy some rest from sniping people down?" Sam chuckled hearing the disappointment in Jules' voice.

"Nah," she rolled her eyes. "It's just I'm more tiredafter this kind of shift than after more stressful ones."

Sam smirked under his breath and said, "I think you'll be sipping daiquiris soon so you'll take a rest."

"Daiquiris?" she frowned cynically."Where'sthat coming from, Braddock?"

"Jules, come on," he teased ironically."I saw the catalogue."

"What catalogue?"

"_THAT_ catalogue," he stressed the word 'that,' "with the romantic vacation destination; it was in your bag this morning.

Jules laughed out loud saying,"That catalogue! It wasn't mine, you smart ass! It was Winnie's."

"Oh, I thought you wanted…"

"Wanted to sip colorful drinks with umbrellas on the beach, huh?"

"Sort of…" he nodded licking his lip. "I thought maybe you'd like to make our hypothetical honeymoon more realistic."

"Oh, you mean with you? " she teased him quoting his own words.

"Why not? " Sam smirked happily. "Will you?"

"Will I what, Sam? " she sighed cheerfully glancing at Sam.

"Will you join me on a honeymoon with extreme hiking and remote trails?"

Jules bit her lower lip and she chuckled, "Sam, did you just ask me to marry you?"

"There's no other place I would rather be, Jules" he winked at her "So?"

"So…." She pouted her lips and grinned. "I guess you can pick a place for those remote trails, Sam."

They smiled to themselves happily like the time when they both were both allowed to stayed on Team One . Their hands tangled together and they felt like they could rule the world when they were with each other.

"Dude, seriously that was the most lame proposal we've ever heard," Spike's voice could be heard in their handsets. "I thought you could do something more than that, Samtastic!"

Great. Their mics were on all the whole time. Again. They could work undercover for sure.

"Jules, make sure that he gives you a ring," Ed laughed in the other SUV. "Sammo, remember that girls like BIG rocks."

"Copy that," Sam smirked looking at Jules.

She couldn't resist and snapped, "Well Ed, I must admit that when it comes to big things,I prefer Sam's big stuff, if you know what I mean. Just sayin'"

"Way to go! Samtastic is still in the game! " Spike cheered. "I though you lost your gift."

"Nah, he's special that way," Jules chuckled, "but I don't mind seeing a nice ring on my finger though."

Sam sighed cheerfully. "No worries, you'll be the lord of the rings soon."

Laughs were heard in their headsets and Greg said, "Congrats you two, but this means that you buy first round after shift for everyone."

"Copy that," simultaneous conformation flowed from Sam and Jules' mouths.

"_Team One , Hot Call. Gunshots in anapartment on St. Charles Avenue and Malcolm Square corner,"_Winnie announced.

"That's what patrolling shifts are all about," Greg sighed turning on siren. "Team, let's keep the peace! Everyday we can make a difference!"

* * *

"Talk to me Winnie," Parker said while jumping out of the SUV.

"We don't have much information, Boss_," _Winnie answered. "The gunshots were fired in apartment 87 on the 3rd floor. The apartment belongs to Tyler Sommers; he works in Chevrolet car salon. He didn't show up for his shift today."

"So we've probably got a victim?" Greg asked."Wife? Girlfriend?"

"I don't think so," Winnie hesitated and stated, "rather boyfriend. He was caught once having sex with another guy in the park and got fined. He claimed that he was just _dogging._"

"Who was the other guy?" Jules asked.

"Jordan Molton. Deceased last month from AIDS," Winnie stated. "No relatives."

"So he can't be our subject," Jules wondered. "Winnie, there may be more than two participants; both group sex and gang banging can be included in dogging. As observer is encouraged, voyeurism and exhibitionism are closely associated with dogging. Does he have connections to someone else who was caught dogging, maybe some swinger?"

"I'm gonna check on that," she replied.

"Winnie.."

"Yeah,yeah , I'm gonna make it quick," she said interjecting into Greg's incoming request.

While Winnie was checking on the information, Parker turned to his team. "Raf, get me eyes into that apartment, Spike I need you in the truck, Sam you're negotiating, Jules you're Sierra one, Ed you're Sierra two."

"Geezz Bosss, Jules has been Sierra for the whole last month, it's high time to dust off my remy," Sam moaned.

Greg glanced at Sam like he was a spoiled kid while Jules winked at Greg. "That's okay, Boss, I can cope with negotiating today ; let the boy to hold his gun."

"Alright then," Greg smirked. "Sam, find a Sierra position; Jules it's your call then."

"Boss, I think I found something but," Winnie hung her voice."Two weeks ago there was a swingers party; neighbors reported that it was a bit too loud , and when the police came, it appeared that one of the partiers was Jasper Whittlock."

"Winnie what's the point?" Spike asked.

"Jasper Whittlock was the officer who arrested Tyler and Jordan when they were caught dogging."

"So he liked what he saw and he decided that it's worth a try." Spike smirked under his breath and said" I'm gonna check him out."

"Thanks Winnie for info," Greg thanked the dispatcher. "Raf! "

"Seconds away."

"When you're done, cover Jules. She's on her way up to the apartment."

Greg sat on a chair next to Spike in a the truck. He took off his cap and asked, "You got something, Spike?"

"Yeaaahh…" Spike said while tapping on the keyboard. "Thanks to the eyes Raf placed I've compared the facial characteristics to Jasper's photo from the police academy. I'm sure that he has a smoking gun in his hand while wandering through the apartment."

"So we got a subject, any motive?"

"Personal I assume,"Jules whispered."Remember that Jordan died.."

"You think that Tyler got HIV and infected Jasper?" Greg asked.

"Dunno," Jules whispered. "I'm just sayin'."

"Spike, check his health records," Greg ordered and glanced at the screen to look at the tall man with a gun.

"Already on it, Boss," Spike smirked and sped up the pace of tapping his fingers on the keyboard. After a few seconds, he pointed at the computer screen to show Greg that Jasper was a member of a SWAT team for a while, when they have heard in their headsets,_"Jasper, hi. My name is Jules. Can we talk?"_

Jules went through the opened door into the apartment and saw a body lying on the floor.

"Tyler is dead," she whispered and looked around."Jasper! Please, I would really appreciate it if you stepped forward where I can see you…."

"What do you want bitch?" man arose in front of her."Get the hell out of here!"

"_Jules, the first tests he had run to check for HIV were positive, but the second ones were negative, only he never picked em up from the lab,"_ Spike informed her.

"Copy that."Jules sighed and tilted her head aside. "Jasper I know that you might be scared that you are sick, but…"

"Oh shut up, and stop negotiating me," he almost spit at Jules. "You have no idea what I've lost!"

"_You're too close Jules, back off,"_ Greg whispered.

"I lost my job because Tyler wouldn't stick to the rules!" Jasper yelled. "They kicked my ass from the cops, because he couldn't stop himself from inviting freshmen to our party. He infected me with HIV and…"

"The second test was negative Jasper," Jules said calmly to the subject. "So there's no actual confirmation that you are infected."

Jasper's hands started to shake with anger. "Don't lie, bitch! I know it's your job to try to calm me down, but that was low!"

He started to nervously rub his head while waving the loaded gun in the air.

"Subject is escalating!" Parker said with a concerned voice.

"Sierra two in position."

"Sierra Two, hold," the Boss commanded while he glanced at the monitor in concern. "Sierra One?"

"Sierra One, I've got the solution."

"Copy that," Greg stated observing the subject's behavior from the truck."Stand by, Sierra One."

"Jasper, look at me. Come on look at me. I know that you feel disoriented, like you have nothing to lose, but that's not true," Jules calmly, but with strong voice, tried to talk him down. "I know how it is to work hard on your job and almost loose it, but there's nothing that can't be undone. Trust me, I want to help you..."

Jasper walked closer to her and yelled waving his gun, "Shut up! You just shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about me! You want to help me, huh?" He stepped closer and smirked viciously raising the gun in the direction of Jules' head.

"_Scorpio!"_

The whistle of a fired bullet from a sniper rifle pierced the air and second later another shot of gunfire could be heard. The dull sound of fallen bodies hitting the floor could be heard a split second later and the world froze for whole of Team One.

"EMS, we need an EMS, SRU officer down," Spike called an ambulance while Greg crumpled his cap in the hands with rage cursing. "St. Charles Avenue and Malcolm Square corner. I repeat, we've got an SRU officer down."

An almost inhuman male roar of pain resounded in everyone's headsets. This call wasn't supposed to end like this...

* * *

**Editor's Note: **I really don't know if you want to keep the name of the subject as Jasper Whitlock. Dude, seriously, I'm not making this up, that IS the name of one of the freaky emo kid sparkly vamps from Twilight. Ya know, Twilight got me through my first year of grad-school through its complete mind-numbing frivolity. I think I read the first book 11 times. Now I'd like to burn it out of my brain. … My, how the mighty have fallen. Just yesterday I told you guys about the headline on my email about how "Kristen Stewart shows Sideboob." That's even worse than Janet Jackson. . . But, at least K-Stew got a new word dubbed for THE SIDE of one of her pieces of female anatomy. .. What was my point again. . . Oh, and I love how in _Vampires Suck_ Bella maced Buffy: "I was trying to help you, Bitch!"

* * *

**Eals' creativity : short dialogue between Jules' and Winnie: **

"He also tried to suck their blood, because, well, apparently he's a 'vampire' (and I totally used air quotes right there, guys) and needed the blood to 'eat.'" Winnie could be almost heard gaging on the other side of the line. "I use 'vampire' loosely. Apparently he sparkles in the sun-light. Most people just think it's really bad sweat though."

"WTF, Winnie!" Jules exclaimed. "What kind of a weird-ass vampire 'sparkles' for God's sake! Let's Scorpio his ass, Boss."

"I hear his girlfriend, Kristen Stewart, likes to show off her 'sideboob' also," Spike helpfully supplied. (I swear I'm not high; I couldn't freak'n resist).

* * *

**Author Note:**

Fine, so I my Jasper name is Whittlock with double t so we got a difference here

Anyways, I hope you ae satisfied with where this story is going. In next chapters will be more sadness and weep . So if you don't mind , take a read while I do next update.

Thanks,

Sules

**Reviews are more than welcome**


	3. Cerebral blood flow

**Disclaimer: **Yes, still nothing here is mine

**Editor: **The one and only soul sister : **Kasia aka** **KateEals**

**Author's note: ** I'm a liar I know. I said in last chapter of _One life _that I won't post next chapter of _Harder to breathe _till Wednesday / Thursday but I don't know what time I'll be back at home tomorrow so , there ya go. Next chapter of my maiming story Besides I got some nice words from my readers so I'll be good auntie today :)

_**Jennifer Quagliato **_ I hope You are satisfied with update of HTB? :)

N'joy the ride guys,

Sules

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**Chapter II**

**Cerebral blood flow**

* * *

A fluorescent lamp was flashing in the hallway lighting men gathered around room 276. Some of them were standing; one was sitting on a chair half bent over. Suddenly, the fluorescent tube burnt out and plunged the corridor into darkness. Just the dimmed blue light of monitors placed in room 276 illuminated their tired and worried faces from its thick window glass.

"I'll go find some maintenance guy to change the light bulb," Raf whispered and headed to search.

"Did you get a chance to talk with him?" Ed asked Greg. "When I was leaving SIU HQ , they told him to stay longer …"

"No," Parker stated staring through the window at the person lying in the bed. "SIU took him before I got a chance to exchange a word with him."

"It was a clean shot, I saw that, all in all I was Sierra two," Ed said rubbing his neck."It wasn't his fault that Jasper dragged Jules closer at the last moment making a human shield from her. Sam didn't miss, so un-luckily Jules was on the move when he made a shot."

"I should have looked through his intentions," Parker observed how the doctor was checking the monitors in Jules' room. "He was a member of a SWAT team. I should have told Sam and Jules to be more careful than usual."

"Greg," Ed placed his hand on his shoulder, "you and Jules did everything you could to get through to him. "

"At least You were able to take him down when Jules fell down," Greg said with a bit of satisfaction. "I heard in Sam's voice that he was devastated when he realized that he shot Jules."

"It wasn't his fault, we will help him to understand that." Ed sighed heavily. "He couldn't predict that she would be in the line of fire when he took the shot."

Greg glanced at Lane ."You know his past Ed. He shot his best friend in friendly fire and now the bullet that he release from his sniper rifle hit the woman that he loves. If she doesn't make it, it will destroy him. I doubt that anyone can survive all of that."

"Come on , it's Jules . I know this shot was pretty bad but…" Ed murmured and smiled."She is tough, she will make it. She has to make it. There's no other option."

"I want to believe in that Ed," Greg sighed and rubbed his forehead." I so desperately want to believe in that."

They heard quick footsteps, and from the dark corridor arose a blond haired figure of a man. It was Sam. Greg could swear that Braddock lost at least 10 pounds during those few hours. His hair was in a complete mess and he even wore his blue t-shirt inside out.

Spike stood up from his chair and whispered,"Sam…"

Sam didn't stop next to him, he just walked to the door of room 276. He placed his hand on the doorknob wanting to enter inside . But he couldn't; he was unable to enter inside. He stepped back and sat on a chair hiding his face in hands. His team members looked at each other as they wanted to help him but they didn't want to overwhelm him with their comforting words.

"I got it," Greg whispered to his teammates and sat next to Sam . Like a father, he placed his arm on Sam's shoulder and said,"It wasn't your fault Sam. Jasper dragged her at the last second. It could be anyone of us that made that fatal shot…"

"But it was me that made that shot Boss. She is fighting for her life, because I pulled the trigger and released the bullet. So don't tell me it's not my fault that the woman I love is lying there connected to a ventilator with the damn tube inserted into the throat! " Sam almost yelled at Greg. "She can't even breathe by herself, because I made that damn shot! "

Greg didn't feel offended and just said calmly, "She will be fine, Sam. She will get through this. Like always. It's Jules. She's tougher than many men I know."

Sam loosen the muscles on his face and sighed. Suddenly the door from Jules' room had opened and the doctor went outside asking, "You are the relatives of Miss Callaghan?"

The team gathered next to the tall and a bit chubby middle aged doctor .He gently slid glasses from his nose and asked, looking at the surrounding five men, "Seriously? All of you are her relatives?"

Greg looked at the ID badge of the doctor and with a determined voice said, "Doctor Giner, we are her family, but if you are asking us if there's a blood bond between us, I have to say no…"

"So I can't tell you anything about her condition then…" the grayish hair doctor interrupted him and turned on his heel. "If you want to help, sergeant , find her relatives; maybe they can manage to say goodbye to her."

Hearing these words, Spike leaned against the wall and Ed swore under his breath; Greg stood with his mouth open, unable to believe what he had just heard.

"I'm her emergency contact and her fiancé …" Sam 's hoarse voice stopped the outgoing doctor."Tell me what her exact status is, sir."

Doctor Giner glanced at Sam and sighed. "I should have guessed that you two are close to each other. That you're really look shattered, young man. Do you want a pill to calm down before I talk to you about her condition?"

"No, I want to have a clear mind, sir." Sam licked his lips and murmured, "Just tell me, how is she?"

The Doctor rubbed his forehead , slid glasses deeper on his nose, and sympathetically stated, "This is not a good place to talk about her state. Please follow me to a consulting room. "

* * *

Doctor Giner closed the door behind Sam and pointed at an empty chair in front of his desk .

"Mister…."

"Braddock. Sam Braddock"

The Doctor smiled warmly and nodded." Yes, so Mr Braddock… I won't lie to you.. Miss Callaghan should be dead, but luckily she somehow survive this deadly shot made by this lunatic sniper. The next hours will be crucial for her. She is unconscious; we are keeping her in a pharmacological coma, although she is not able to wake up by herself . , you told me you are her fiancé, so you probably know that but," the doctor sighed heavily, "Miss Callaghan agreed to, and signed a while ago, a statement for organ donation for transplantation . If her condition doesn't get better soon, I will convene a consultation of doctors for judging the patient's clinical death."

"You can't, you have no righted to rip my Jules apart," Sam frantically stuttered realizing how serious her condition was.

Dr. Giner slowly lightened a board with X-ray photos of a head. Sam knew that it was Jules' brain .The Doctor took a pen and pointed at one of the photo saying, "When a person has sustained a gunshot wound to the head, the brain swells, which increases the pressure inside the skull, which in turn stops blood flow into the brain. The scan can demonstrate lack of cerebral blood flow, which, at least in some states is sufficient to declare brain death," he hung his voice seeing how Sam's face became more and more pale." Mr. Braddock, if we are considering what we're calling clinical death, this is most often caused by respiratory failure. As I mentioned above, a gunshot wound to the head causes swelling inside the skull, which elevates the pressure inside the skull. Blood flows by pressure gradients, so if the intracranial pressure becomes high enough, blood will no longer flow into the brain. Because the signals that control respiration originate in the brainstem, when those neurons die, the patient will no longer breathe, which causes death. The amount of time required for these events to happen varies depending on the severity of injury and can range from almost instantaneous to several days. The truly brain dead patient would not be able to survive without the presence of a ventilator. Brain death criteria are in place to declare legal death when the body can be kept "_alive_" with medicines and the ventilator for prolonged periods of time."

Sam felt cold sweat appear on his forehead and murmuring repeated almost silently, "Jules…my God…Jules."

Dr. Giner continued his speech. "Brain death can be declared through a series of clinical exams looking for the absence of brainstem reflexes. Basically, there can be no evidence of brain function, which is demonstrated by the absence of several reflexes such as the pupillary light reflex, the dolls' eye reflex, and the gag reflex. The brain is also where the respiratory drive originates, so the patient is disconnected from a ventilator long enough to show that the person will not breathe on their own. In most places there must be two exams with 12-24 hours passed in between to certify brain death, but again, the specifics can vary."

"But she is alive, Doc," Sam said spreading his arms helplessly, "her heart is still beating…"

The Doctor slid his glasses from his nose and said, "Yes, the heartbeat that you can see on the monitor is Miss Callaghan's but if the brain swell doesn't disappear quickly enough, I will have to convene a consultation of doctors for judging Miss Callaghan's clinical death and prepare her to donate the organs for transplantation. I'm very, sorry but that is her will."

Sam clenched his fists and asked looking at the X-ray photos, "How much time does she have to fight this? "

"We've done everything we could in surgery and now if she doesn't react to the medicines that she is getting …"

"How much time Doc!" Sam's raised his voice and hit the table with clenched fist.

"Twenty-four hours."

* * *

**Editor's Note: **I know it's not his fault, but, BASTARD! (That's in reference to Dr. Amy Jo's husband; aka, Mr. Amy Jo Johnson, the husband, not the doctor. . .I'll shut-up now.). I love how our stories have similarities, but are still SO completely different. I love how the injury you gave her effectively destroyed the function of her mid- and hindbrain, effectively REALLY making her a vegetable. Also, I love how you actually used real medical jargon to explain that, whereas I was just like, "Derrr, I LURVE brain anatomy and function! Yay Amygdalas! I want to talk about the cerebral cortex and specific anatomy function, screw the life sustaining areas of the hindbrain. (Except for the medulla oblongata. Everyone loves the medulla oblongata (plus that's the breathing, essential to life do-higgy. Who really cares about the Pons, I mean, really? So you can't throw-up now that it's effed-up. Cry me a river! (Well, I guess you technically wouldn't be able to wake-up if your pons was screwed-up too, but. ..)). Wow. Simplification much?)." Yes, that's the essences of Glasgow in a nut-shell right there *sarcastically nodding my head*. Oh, and Ed is Batman. Um, okay, I'm done now.

Eals, out!

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**A/N:**

Ha! Are you satisfied with this chapter guys? Eals found alternative name for this story _**Jules is a vegetable story. **_Sweet isn't?

Hope You'll wait patiently till next update and **please leave a review!**

Sules


	4. I'm Samuel, but everyone calls me Sam

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing that can be recognizable in here..

**Beta reader & translator of calques sentences from Polish : **KateEals

**Author' Note: **

I have to explain one thing. "_**A Reader**_" wrote not very pleasant review last time about my editor/ beta reader. **_A Reader_ **that even hadn't got enough guts to name himself/herself. Oh well...

To clarify : Eals is editing my chapters because I ased her. She's not professional editor and I don't mind it. It's her hobby and I'm grateful to her that she's doing it. She had to cope with my calques that I'm making from Polish – English mind translation, wrong using of words and so on.

I like her editor's comments (she allowed me to post them) and that's why I'm publishing it. Is someone doesn't like it skip it or just don't effin read it! I'm not forcing anyone to read it. So sorry _**"A Reader" **_but as long it's my story, I will publish editor's notes whenever I want or as long as Eals will give me her permission to do it. She's not professional editor but for me she's good enough beta for me... Love ya lil' sis!

Yeah, I had to write something about that issue. So, if you guys are still interested in my story , I'll be thrilled if you read next chapter of _Harder to breathe._ Just small alert : there are some "rude" :) words (like shit, fuck) inside , so for some of you it might be M rated chapter :). Just to let you know.

See you one the flip side,

Sules

* * *

**Chapter III**

**I'm Samuel, but everyone calls me Sam**

* * *

"_Sierra One, I've got the solution." _

"_Copy that," I replied and then heard in my handset,"Stand by, Sierra one."_

"_Jasper, look at me. Come on, look at me. I know that you feel disoriented, like you have nothing to lose, but that's not true." I listened to how Jules tried to talk him down. "I know how it is to work hard on your job and almost loose it, but there's nothing that can't be undone. Trust me I want to help you..."_

"_Shut up! You just shut the fuck up! You don't know anything about me! You want to help me, huh? "__Bits and pieces__ of what Jasper was yelling came to me. I was focusing on having his head in __the crosshairs of my rifle__. I slowed my breathing, counted it I always breathing._

"_Scorpio!"_

**_Click!_**

_I pressed the trigger releasing the bullet from my rifle. By the corner of my eye I saw how his hands grab Jules by her vest and pulled her closer . I couldn't stop the trajectory of the bullet. It was too late. I just couldn't. If I could, I would have caught it with mybarehands. But I couldn't stop that bloody bullet. The whistle of it pierced the air and the world just froze for me i__n that moment, that deadly moment__. _

"_EMS, we need EMS; SRU officer down," Spike's yell __was seared__ into my brain."St. Charles Avenue and the corner of Malcolm Square, I repeat we've got an SRU officer down."_

_I saw the bodies hitting the floor. I __watched__ Jules, __watched__ how she fell down to the ground. Watched my sweetheart smacking to the , __the woman whom__ an hour ago agreed to be my wife. I _**_Scorpioed_**_ her. __I shot my baby down__. Fuck! I should have protected her and instead I shot her. Just like I did Matt. Jules, stand up sweetheart. Shit! Fuck! _

_My pain __ac__cumulated into a loud scream, which I couldn't even notice that I was shouting. If I pressed the trigger quicker, if I saw Jasper's hand earlier. Jules had better accuracy than me, so if I __hadn't have requested__ the swap from negotiator to sierra position with her, if…._

…_I can't believe it…I thought 'had,' Jules '**HAD**' better accuracy than me…Can't think like that…Can't ever think like that…_

* * *

"Shhhh…He fell asleep?"

"Yahm…Let just let him sleep for a few more minutes. He's glued to her bed. It's so nice to watch that kind of love. He clearly sees her as the love of his life; what a shame that all of this happened."

"I heard that it was one of the SRU officers who shot her."

"Really? That had to be tough for him if it was friendly fire. It will be better for all of them if she doesn't make it."

"With a hole in the brain like that if she somehow makes it she'll just be a veggie. That won't be good for anyone."

"I heard that she signed an organ donation agreement. You think that…"

"Nurse?" Sam opened his eyelids as the whispers of the hospital's personnel woke him up. "Why did you let me fall asleep?"

The women came closer to him. "Actually, we were about to wake you up, Constable. We need to change her bandages, check her stitches, and replace the IV and blood drips for her," the taller nurse enumerated. "We have to ask you to leave for a quarter of an hour. Go get yourself a coffee or something."

"Yeah, coffee."Sam reluctantly glanced at them and said, "Nurse Salie and nurse Vale , right? I know that you have to do your job, so I'm gonna leave you my cell number; if anything changes, please call me. I'll be right around the corner. "

The two women looked at him with sympathetic eyes. "Sure, we will call you, Constable. But you have to leave us alone with her for right now."

Sam leaned in and kissed Jules' cheek. Her cheeks, mouth, eyes, and nose were the only parts of herhead that weren't covered with bandages. Her whole head was bound up like a mummy. Her skull was shaved of her beautiful brown hair, but he actually didn't care about that. Hair will grow back sooner or later. All that he cared about was Jules. The person she was, the person she is. She now had a tube stuck into her throat. He knew she wouldn't like that if she was awake. He so desperately wanted her to be awake. Or at least he wanted to ease her pain. Take the ache away from her. Pain that he caused himself.

Sam reached for her hand, and placing it to his lips, he whispered, "Hey Jules, hey Sweetheart. I gotta go outside for a second, but I'll be right back. Just hang on and fight. I love you so much sweetheart. I know you hate hospitals, but you can't give up, sweetheart."

Sam kissed her hand one more time and gently caressed her cheek. Reluctantly, he left the room bumping into Greg who was standing by the door.

"Sam," Greg whispered looking at him. "Any changes?"

"Do I look like there are changes in her state, Boss?" Sam's voice was filled with bitterness. "Am I smiling or cheering, huh? Nothing's changed. They're just changing the bandages and giving her another effin IV drip. That's all. Feeling any better knowing that Boss, huh? Because every second that she stays in this state brings her closer to definite death. Every second that she doesn't even try to blink, the chances and hope that she'll survive get smaller. The chance that she'll get out of this and look at me with those big brown eyes saying that I forgot to buy fresh mangoes for her shitty smoothies again gets smaller."

"Whoa, whoa, Sammo," Ed grabbed Sam by the shoulder, "don't punch Boss with your harsh words. We are all worrying about her. You're not the only one suffering from what happened today. Everyone came here for her…"

True, everyone was there. All of team one was there. All of them were still in their uniforms. Sam noticed that Wordy with Leah were sitting in two of the waiting room chairs. Someone must have informed them. Even Winnie and Kira were there. What for? Would it help Jules wake up?

"No one asked you to come here, Ed," Sam snapped ruthlessly and shook Lane's hand off his shoulder. He looked at the people gazing at him with weird looks.

"Don't sit here people. Go home!" he yelled at them shaking furiously."It's not a fucking funeral to gather and grieve in silence! Jules will fight this!"

He turned on his heel and, holding his neck by his hands, Sam went down the corridor.

"Leave him alone," Greg stopped Spike who wanted to follow him."He didn't truly mean to say that; it's very tough circumstances and there's a lot for him to accept. Give him a minute alone to gather his thoughts. Sam won't leave Jules alone for a long time."

"Boss," Spike's face was tense and his jaw was almost clenched while he whispered,"Jules is important to us all. We're all suffering from what she is going through now. I already lost my Dad, Oliver McCoy…. I lost Lew and I just can't imagine loosing Jules as well.."

"We won't loose Jules, Spike. Don't you even dare to think like that, you hear me?" Parker put his hand on Spike's shoulder and turned to his friends and said, "We gotta be lenient of Sam and his behavior. Sam and Jules need us now. They both need our support. The next twenty hours will be crucial not only for Jules. They will be decisive for Sam as well. These hours will be vital for all of us. We gotta stick together." Parker punctuated his statement by sitting on a chair and leaning his hear back. The truth was he wasn't sure if Jules could make it. He knew how serious her situation was, but he couldn't imagine the team without her, so he just stuck to the hope that she would get through this. She was the heart of this team, she was like a daughter to him. Loosing her would belike separating the pendulum from a clock. Without the pendulum the clock just won't work properly; the clock will be in a hurry or running late and will eventually stop. Without Jules, Greg knew, the team, just as the pendulum-less clock, wouldn't be able to work properly, and thus Greg himself wouldn't be able to work or even live properly. Parker bent forward and hid his worried and tired face in his hands.

* * *

Angry and mad at the whole world, Sam did not even notice that his feet lead him to the hospital's chapel. _It wouldn't hurt to try to ask Him for a miracle, _Sam thought and went inside. The chapel was almost empty; only one nun was there decorating the altar with bouquets of tulips. Sam sat at the end and kneeled. He bent his head down, closed his eyes and prayed silently:

"_Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away. When she is wandering in the fog now, and can't find her way back to us, to me. We all need her; she is the only person who can be true to us. I found her and I don't want to let her go. I'm not ready to for it, __to let her go, to live without her__. __I'm not ready for that__ lonely road, __to be__ miles away from her, the only one I love. __I won't__ be able to walk on without her. You know that I screwed things up; You should know that she didn't deserve that, that I should be __the one__ lying there with a hole in the head…Not Jules….She's the heart of the team, she is _**_my_**_** heart**…Take me instead of her and let her live…..I feel like a child who weeps in the face of a monster that exists in his nightmares…God…"_a tear ran down his cheek, "_is there anyone out there to let her survive, cause it's getting really __hard to breathe. It's getting__ harder and harder to breathe knowing that she's dying. Her time is precious and it's slipping away... How am I supposed to breathe, God, when I'm running out of oxygen…When I'm loosing her?"_

"Was your girlfriend in an accident, sir?" a childish, high pitched tone of voice woke Sam up from his prayer.

Sam opened his eyes and glanced at aboy sitting in a wheelchair next to him. He couldn't be older than thirteen years old. He was very thin, pale, with dark rings under his eyes. However, he had a strange serenity that flowed from him. It was a calmness that made him beautiful.

"It's just a surprise ball, but maybe it'll cheer you up a bit, sir…Maybe it will be more useful for you …" The boy passed Sam an egg-shaped box taken from a toy dispenser and asked straightaway, "Is she dyin' sir?" His brown bloodshot eyes were staring at Sam with the knowledge and maturity that could only be be gotten from suffering a grave injury or illness. "Because you look just like my parents when they pray for my life…."

At that moment Sam noticed that the boy was wearing pajamas. There was a flexible indwelling through which he was given an IV drip stuck in his small hand. His tiny hands were riddled with old stab marks left from needle wounds. But he wasn't crying; he was gazing at Sam with sympathy.

"I'm Oliver," the boy stretched his gaunt hand out in Braddock's direction, "but everyone calls me Ollie."

Sam gently shook the boys hand and gently smirked at the kid. "I'm Samuel, but everyone calls me Sam."

Ollie grinned showing his teeth. Gasping a little for breath, he said, "Don't hang your head in sorrow Sam, I know how you may feel inside. I have Alport syndrome."

Sam glanced at him with a bit of a concerned look. He didn't have a clue what that syndrome was, but that it definitely wasn't anything like a common cold.

"You're probably wondering what this sickness is, huh?" Ollie cleared his throat and explained calmly, "It's a progressive kidney disease characterized by hematuria, often associated with neurogenic changes in hearing and ocular function. The thing is, Sam, I'm dyin'; I will pass away if I don't get a kidney transplant. Till now they've been trying to make my life longer with dialysis. I accepted the fact that I probably will shortly die. There's a heaven above me, some place where we all can meet one day. I hurt now, but you should know I'll triumph over the pain. And I'm mentally more powerful now than I ever would have been without this sickness." Oliver lightly smirked. "But the thing that hurts me most, much more than the physical pain I suffer, is the pain I see in my parents. They cry, curse God that I'm sick, fight with each other. They want to help me, but they can't. The path that I'm walking now I must go alone. I must take the steps by myself. I can see the same pain in your face that I see in my parents'."

Sam sighed heavily and gazing at the boy with admiration whispered, "I don't know where you are getting this strength and calm from, Ollie. Actually, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but you know how hard it is to sit and watch how she is slipping from her life. How every second she gets closer to definite death."

"Maybe there is a chance for her?" Oliver asked calmly.

Sam just shrugged his shoulders helplessly and replied, "They told me that if her state doesn't get better they will take her organs and tissues from her, that she signed a donation card…"

Ollie covered his legs tighter with the blanket sitting over them and said gently, "You may not accept her choice, but it will be easier if you respect her will. Besides, she must be an amazing person, Sam, if she decided to sign it. She wants to save lives even when she won't be able to live on her own. But donation means that someone lives in different people, it's about saving lives…"

"That's one of the mottos of our job," Sam smirked bitterly and combed his hair with his hand.

"So obviously she wants to do it till the last breath. Those kinds of people are heroes, they are making adifference in the world. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe in miracles, so maybe you'll get one Sam. But you have to accept her will and let her go through this by standing next to her till the last second. The two most important days in human life are the day when they are born…and the day when they find out why. Maybe her destiny is to save people by giving them her organs. Nothing happens without a reason, even someone's death. That's what I am trying to explain to my parents as well."

"Ollie, I can't cope with it like that …I can't handle this situation with this kind of simplicity and just walk away." Sam moaned and rubbed his eyes. "She is the love of my life, and I can't allow them to let her stop fighting for her life…"

"True love isn't about being there when it is convenient for you. It's about being there when it's not." Oliver stared at him with his childish truthful eyes and finally asked in a quiet voice, "Do you love her enough to let her go? Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they Sam? I'm just sayin'."

Sam didn't reply, he was just melting down inside like a glacier. Abruptly, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. So he took it out and glanced at the display. An unknown number was calling. Cold sweat appeared on his forehead when he imagined why someone could possibly be making this call.

"_Jules…" _he thought and picked up the phone…

* * *

**A/N:**

_**Reviews are more that welcome! **_


	5. How to bribe a Supergirl?

**Disclaimer & Author's Note : **

Although all characters aren't mine, I own story plot :) Why not! There's a lovely dash of **KateEals'** remarks inside story As my beta reader she's got whole right to do it. What is more I love it ! :)

Anyway, I want to thank all of you for reading my story, for adding it to favorites or alerts. It means a lot for me I appreciate also overseas kicking my butt for some of you ; just to update this story as soon as possible. :) I'm trying my best people :)

So, I'm posting next chapter of HTB. Hopefully You're gonna to enjoy it. :)

Unfortunately, I haven't finished writing chapter V yet Due to many reasons. Mostly lack of time …. When I'll finish it I'm gonna sent it to my beta just to avoid my foreign mistakes. :)

Anyway, I'm going for a three days trip to Tatra mountains with my hubby , so I'm excited I encourage all of you to visit or at least take a look of pictures of town Zakopane. I'm going there and I already know it's beautiful place. You should visit this town at least virtually. :)

Alright guys, go read my story!

Cheers,

Sules

* * *

**Chapter IV**

**How to bribe a Supergirl?**

* * *

"You can't go in there now, Sam," Greg stopped Braddock before entering Jules' room.

Sam glanced at Parker and snapped, "I have the right to know what they are talking about. It's not fair that I can't be part of this gathering. It's like a witch hunt for her organs. I have the right to stand by her side now."

"Easy Sammo, easy." Ed grabbed his arm and held him back. "We will get full and truthful info from inside, don't worry, Steve is there…"

"You gotta be kidding me…" Sam twisted his arm away and huffed. "Steve can be there and I can't? He has no right…."

"Sam, I asked him to participate in this conference," Greg calmly said. "Heknows Jules, but knows the medicine as well. He won't let anyone take Jules' organs till she's done fighting, till she's given a chance to survive."

Sam didn't like this. He didn't like the fact that Steve was inside and he wasn't. Especially Steve. Steve who had a _thing _for Jules. Sam never liked him. He never liked when Jules would goout shopping with Steve. He just couldn't stand that guy and the bond that he shared with Jules. Of course, he knew that Jules loved he himself and nothing would happen between Steve and her, but still, he just didn't like that big hearted paramedic. Although he had to admit that Steve would fight for Jules, so at least he wouldn't hurt her…

"You're right Boss, I'm sorry." Sam sat on a chair and bent forward hiding his worried face in his palms. The only thing they could do was wait…

Greg and Ed sat next to him. They hadn't said a word. They were just there for Sam. For Jules. For themselves. Everyone needed to share their worries with someone else who understood their pain. Who felt theirpain. Who knew Jules. Touched this team's heart. Touched her soul. Met Jules personally. And now, they were all waiting for the ending of this first conference of doctors.

After half an hour, the door to Jules' room opened and four doctors left quickly and went down the corridor.

Steve was the last person to leave her room, and he did so with a worried face. Sam grabbed Steve's arm and hissed, "Talk to me, Steve, tell me all about what exactly they were doing to her."

Steve glanced at Sam with sad puppy-dog eyes and shook his head, "I'm not the one who should be telling you about her state. Go ask Dr. Giner; he'll tell you."

Sam clenched his fists on Steve's uniform and lifted him, pinning him to wall. "Stop playing with me, Morgan, and don't try to keep information about her for yourself. If they carve her heart away from her and you're hiding it now, it will be your fault that she dies!" Sam thought about the doctors carving Jules' heart away like vultures in the hot sun of the desert, how in that moment they would be carving his heart away too. They might as well harvest his organs at the same time as harvesting hers, because he didn't think he could live without her, not his heart, not the person who'd come to share ownership of his soul.

Steve pushed Sam back and yelled, "Don't you try to transfer your pangs of conscience on me, because it wasn't me who shot her. You should have paid more attention to who you were aiming at, Braddock!"

Steve's accusations stimulated Sam's rage like a red rag to a bull. Steve had no effin clue how it was to shoot anyone down, he had no right to push on him now. Especially Steve. With lightning speed, Sam's fist reached Steve's jaw. The teeth of the paramedic jingled like bells and a crimson stream of blood flowed from his mouth.

"Sam!" Ed and Raf dragged Braddock from Steve together. "What the hell are you doing?"

Sam wrested from the men's grasp like a mad dog as he tried to punch Steve at least one more time. Greg stood between them like a referee and glancing at both men hissed, "Shouldn't you two show some respect to Jules and not fight? Geez Sam, Jules would kick your ass for such behavior!"

Sam stopped struggling and placed his hands on his head squeezing it a bit. "You're right Boss; what is more, she would kick me out of the house for sure." A light smile appeared on his face and he turned to Steve. "Sorry Morgan, I shouldn't…"

"Nah, that's okay Sam," Steve interjected wiping blood from his mouth. "I deserved it. I shouldn't have jumped on you like that, we all know that it was an accident."

Steve glanced at Sam and sighed heavily. "You really want to know how she's doing? Because, you may not like it."

Sam cleared his throat, took a deep breath and said, "Tell me what you know, Morgan."

Steve rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Fine, just remember I'm just a paramedic, not a doctor, so for more precise information you should head to Dr. Giner."

Sam silently nodded in agreement to such a deal. He wanted to know the first sketch of her state and go to her. Hold her hand, be next to her. He would go to , just not now. First, he wanted to see Jules, kiss her cheek, hold her hand and talk to her.

"Sam, as Dr. Giner probably mentioned to you, a recommended practice for the clinical diagnosis of brain death formulated by the American Academy of Neurology hinges on the conjunction of three diagnostic criteria: coma, absence of brainstem reflexes, and apnea test, which is defined as the inability of the patient to breathe unaided, that is, with no life support systems. The apnea test follows a delineated protocol. Brain death occurs when the brain is severely damaged by trauma or illness. A physician declares brain death when testing determines that there is an absence of electrical activity in the brain, no blood flow to the brain, and no brain function. Without brain function, the rest of the body can't survive. Consequently, a respirator or breathing machine is used to keep other organs functioning – if consent to donate is given – while recipients are located for the donated organs."

Steve glanced at Greg who nervously rubbed his forehead and continued his speech. "If the tests done in the ICU show brain activity and blood flowing through the brain, the patient is in a coma and that's good. But if tests show no brain activity or blood supply, the brain has been destroyed and will never work again. Unfortunately for Jules, the tests that were conducted a few minutes ago, like an EEG, showed very minuscule brain activity. She also needs ventilator assistance to breathe and a feeding tube to survive. The brain edema persists and the prognosis is not the best…."

"So maybe they should change the meds they're giving her." Sam's voice became tense and nervous.

"Sam, I've known Dr. Giner over twelve years," Steve said calmly with a convincing tone of voice. "Jules has been given the best meds that she can get. Everyone is trying to get her out of that hell, but…" Steve hung his voice.

"But…?" Ed mirrored Steve's last word raising his eyebrows.

"But the thing is, her state isn't getting even an inch better, Ed," Steve spat out. "And , believe me, I don't like it as well, but if the next tests that are conducted after twelve hours show no brain activity, no improvement with blood flow after doing another CT angiogram test, and if her brain is be still as swollen as now, which consequently makes it so that she can't breathe by herself, just with ventilator assistance…" Steve's voice started to tremble, "they will declare that her brain dead and start to prepare her to donate her tissues and organs…"

Hearing this, Spike crumpled a cup with hot coffee and threw it furiously to the nearest bin. Fathoming losing Jules just shattered him. He didn't care that he burnt his hand with boiling liquid. He just didn't give a shit about it. If he could, he would give his brain to Jules to save her. If he just could save her from the ranks of the freaks who were deciding about the death her brain. They didn't know Jules, they didn't know her brain. She was smart as hell. Everyone called him a _geek with combat skills, _but the truth was that Jules was many times, light years away, better than him. Only she was a cool _geek with combat skills and boobs_. She was like the Pink Ranger from Power Rangers that he heard about while ago , a girl with super-powers fighting evil. You could tell by the way she talked she ruled her own world. You could see in her eyes that no one was her master. She was sowing seeds of greatness, she was burning trees of destruction, she _is_ a Supergirl, and Supergirls just don't die, don't lose their super powers. Do they?

"You sure about this?" Greg asked Steve trying to be sure about what he had just heard.

"Sergeant, Jules is important to me as well and I really don't like what I saw in that room. So let's just hope she'll fight this, that her brain will react to the meds."

"I have faith," Greg sighed glancing at a silent Sam, "we all have faith."

Ed put his hand on Sam's shoulder and asked, "Sammo, maybe you want to talk with Dr. Giner about it, or with Dr. Luria? We won't go anywhere; we'll stay with her. Maybe you want to grab a coffee or go home to change."

Sam shook his head negatively and whispered almost silently, "There's no other place than by Jules' side I'd rather be now, Ed."

On autopilot he entered Jules' room, leaving his team outside. The whistle of the working ventilator was buzzing in the air. The whistle mixed with the rhythmic beeping sound of her heartbeat. Sam glanced at Jules lying in the bed, covered with a green hospital duvet. She had fresh bandages on her head, a new IV drip was hanging on a stand. Her sweet lips were blue like she had just eaten blueberry pie. Pie that he always bought for her when he was getting back home later than he promised. He knew that this bribe would work. She loved blueberry pie. God, he wanted so much to buy her a tone of that effin blueberry pies to apologize to her for his shot. If only he could turn back time….

"Hey Jules, hey sweetheart," Sam whispered kissing her hand that was stuck with a flexible indwelling. "I'm sorry you had to wait for me, I'm sorry it took so long."

Sam sat on a chair next to Jules' bed, and caressing her hand whispered, "They are telling me that you're getting weaker, sweetheart. I know that the test results were quite poor because I wasn't by your side. Your mind was next to me, so you couldn't be at both places at one time." Sam smirked bitterly and wiped a tear that had run down his cheek. "Ya know, I met a really nice boy today. His name is Oliver. You would like him, he's a smart ass like you, sweetheart. Ollie is a very mature child; when you wake up, I'll bring him here and you two can meet. So when you get better we'll try to help him get over his illness. He would probably love if he could visit the SRU HQ , or maybe Spike can bring Babycakes to cheer him up, eh?" Sam took the egg shaped box from his pocket. "Ollie gave it to me sayin' that it may be more useful for me. Wanna check with me, Jules, to what he gave to me?" Sam asked the unconscious Jules trying to force her to reply to him.

"Oh I get it , sweetheart, you're just jealous that someone gave me a gift, right? No worries, I can share it with you,whatever it is. I'm thinking long term, so I don't mind that." Sam smiled to himself and opened the box. He turned it upside down and from the small container a plastic ring fell into Sam's hand. His heart stopped for a second seeing the object. He had expected some tiny car, or puzzle, or some tiny Smurf figure, but not a ring. Especially when he asked Jules to marry him less than twenty hours ago. Sam glanced at the flower shaped shoddy plastic ring. It was tawdry as hell. It had a red felt poppy flower on the top of the ring that was barely glued to the hoop. It was like a sign from Jules, that she was still there. That she was thinking about him. Or maybe he just tried to convince himself that it was like this.

Sam took the ring, kneeled in front of Jules' bed, and whispered sobbing,

"Julianna Callaghan, my dearest fiancée, love of my life , my oxygen, my world. I know that I promised you a big rock, but we're gonna sort it out when you get better. For now, you'll make me the happiest man in the world by wearing this cheap ring from a toy dispenser," he easily slid the ring onto Jules' thin finger. He kissed her finger and placed her hand on his cheek. "I'll be next to you all the time, sweetheart, during the next conference I'll be here ; in this ring. I won't let anyone take it off of you. " He closed his eyes and, still kneeling in front of her bed, whispered, "I love Jules. You're gonna be okay. Fight these demons. I'm here for you. I won't let you go. I love you sweetheart, come back, don't leave me, stay with me Jules, stay with me…"

Sam could not stop his weeping from growing louder. Tears were running from his eyes like a waterfall. He cried a river, soaking Jules' hand, her patch with the flexible indwelling, and the felt engagement ring was drenched with his tears of sorrow, despair, love, and hope. The air became thicker, harder to breathe, like he was on the moon without oxygen. He couldn't loose his oxygen. He couldn't afford to lose Jules.

He pressed her hand tighter to his cheek, like we wanted to experience her closer, better and stronger. Suddenly, he felt a light movement on his face. A hand movement. And it definitely wasn't any trick of his imagination.

Sam jumped to his feet still holding her hand and pressed the emergency button next to the patient's bed.

With one hand he caressed her cheek, while with the other one he was holding her hand. With a smile he repeated like a mantra, "You're gonna be okay Jules, you're gonna be okay…"

* * *

**A/N : **

**Reviews are the sweetest song for my ears! **

**So please review! :)  
**

Sules


	6. Lazarus

**Disclaimer : **I own nothing….Chapter betad by KateEals

**Author's note : **I don't know if you are still interested in this story after such a long break. But if You are, I'm more than happy to post new chapter.

You deserve a small explanation. I'm really sorry I haven't published it earlier but I got some personal problems and writing this particular story was too hard for me for a while. I disappeared from Twitter as well. I suppose some of you noticed that.

Now , I'm slowly back to life so I hope you will still be reading _Harder to breathe _. I'll try to post next chapters more regularly.

Hugs,

Sules

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Lazarus**

* * *

"You're gonna be okay Jules, you're gonna be okay…" Sam caressed Jules' hand while he waited for another, even tiny, movement from her. "You're gonna be okay, sweetheart…"

His heart was pounding like a hammer, his lips were trembling with excitement about what had just happened. Nervously, he looked at the door waiting for the hospital's staff to storm into her room. By the corner of his eye he saw the Boss staring at him through the glass. Sam uncertainly glanced at him as a tear ran down Sam's cheek. The Boss knew that something had happened; Sam's face was tense, his mandibular bone had emerged more clearly and his eyes had changed from his normal blue shade to a more intense one.

Braddock saw how Parker disappeared and second later he opened the door asking, "What happened, Sam? What's wrong?" Greg barely sounded calm ; his voice bombed through with fear, dismay at the thought of his worst nightmare, the specter of death ; Jules' death.

"She moved her hand, Boss," Sam spat out laughing through his tears. "I felt her hand move; she's gonna be okay, Boss." Sam laid a kiss on her palm and caressed it like a precious diamond.

Greg sighed wiping sweat from his forehead, glad that his black thoughts had not been fulfilled. Jules just moved her hand. Hey, she JUST moved her hand; a light smiled arose on his tired face.

"Please let us through, sir," a nurse said, quickly passing Greg. She was followed by Dr. Giner and an intern. The young doctor started to check Jules' state glancing at monitors.

"Mr. Braddock," turned to Sam. "Did you press the emergency button?"

_No, it was a teddy bear,_Sam rolled his blue eyes._"_Of course I pressed that damn button."

"What's wrong?" asked with a concerned tone of voice.

"Nothing's wrong." Sam huffed mirroring Giner's question and he glanced at Jules.

"She moved her hand. That's good, isn't it?"

"Yhymm…" Dr. Giner frowned and lit a pen-light into Jules' eye.

He seemed to murmur under is breath while he jabbed lightly at Jules' finger with a needle while he gazed at the monitor at the same time.

"So doc?" Sam impatiently was staring at the doctor.

Giner exchanged sighs with his intern. "MacRoy, call neurology and go with Miss Callaghan to take an MRI with contrast as soon as possible."

"MRI?" Sam interjected frowning atbeing unfamiliar with medical jargon.

"Magnetic Resonance Imaging," MacRoy the intern replied. "It is a medical imaging technique used in radiology to visualize internal structures of the brain in detail. MRI provides good contrast between the different soft tissues of the body, which makes it especially useful in imaging the brain compared with other medical imaging techniques such as a CT, which stands for computed tomography, or X-rays. Unlike CT scans or traditional X-rays, MRI does not use ionizing radiation."

Sam rubbed his chin listening carefully to the young soon to be doctor._Was it good or not that they want to make these tests? Jules moved her hand,which was good; so why did they want to take herto neurology from the ICU? Even for tests? _Sam thought to himself.

"Mr. Braddock," glanced at Sam who was getting more and more confused. "We have to check to see if her cerebral blood flow is getting better…"

"But she moved her hand, doc, for God's sake!" Sam raised his voice a bit, not happy that the doctor didn't share his enthusiasm .

"Sir," Giner slid his glasses from his nose. "I'm sorry that I'm not flying over the moon about Miss Callaghan moving her hand. When I get the results of the next exam,I will be able to tell you if it was a good sign or..."

"Or?" Sam frowned and his lips started to tremble with nervousness. "I know what I felt doc, she moved her hand. "

"I believe you that she did," Giner said calmly staring at him.

Sam stroked Jules' cheek and smiled to her. "Brain dead people don't move their hands, right Jules?"

"Actually…" Giner started to whisper but aloud beep of his pager broke his thought.

glanced at his pager and nervously said, "Mr. Braddock, come to my room later when I'll have the results. MacRoy, take the patient to get the tests. I gotta go, we've got a code blue in room 189."

"Isn't that the Marshall boy's room?" a nurse asked preparing Jules for the tests.

"Yes, it's Oliver's room," Giner said leaving. "May God have this kid in care because the last time we barely pulled him out from the grave."

Sam glanced at the nurse and asked quietly, "You talking about theboy with Alport syndrome?"

The nurse nodded rearranging IV drips from the hanger next to Jules's bed. She covered Jules gently with a green duvet not letting her get cold. Sam wondered if she was doing that because of Jules or her organs. _But hey, Jules moved her hand so that excluded organ donation. From now on, everything will get better_. Sam frowned breaking his thoughts from what he saw as his recovering Jules as he remembered his meeting with Ollie.

"Code blue," he said sharply. "What does that mean in English?"

MacRoy glanced at him with a concerned look. He rubbed his cheek, leaving a red mark from his nails; he wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer to Sam.

"I asked you a question," Braddock said sharply.

The intern came closer to him and whispered with a hoarse voice, "Code Blue is generally used to indicate a patient requiring resuscitation or otherwise in need of immediate medical attention, most often as the result of respiratory arrest or cardiac arrest."

"In Ollie's case?"

"I shouldn't tell you because you're not his family," MacRoy replied buttoning his white apron, "but, if you know that he's got Alport syndrome, you know that he's got problems with his kidneys, not heart"

"So respiratory arrest." Sam scowled and rubbed his eye. "He seemed to breathe very hard when I met him today."

"Last time we almost lost him," MacRoy said sadly and lowered his voice. "I really hope that he can make it through this arrest. He's such a nice child."

"Yes he is…" Sam confirmed, recalling his talk with Ollie. He saw how the nurse and MacRoy unlocked the wheels toJules' bed and pushed it through the door.

"I'm going with you," Sam said sharply.

MacRoy shook his head negatively. "You wanna do something for her and others? Go give some blood. It may save someone's life. When you're done, you can head to Dr. Giner's consulting room. He'll tell you what your fiance's state is. "

Sam nodded and kissed Jules' forehead. He knew she would like the blood idea, so he accepted it. The nurse together with MacRoy pushed her bed through the door and into the direction of the elevator. Most of Jules' friends saw her so close for the very first time since accident. Winnie covered her mouth with her hands. Ed was blankly staring at Jules lying in bed. By the corner of his eye, Sam saw Natalie hide herself in Spike's arms. Sam wondered how long she had been there, who informed her. She was supposed to stillbe in Halifax on a business trip or maybe she should already be back from it. He didn't have a clue. Since he'd made thefatal shot , he lived in lethargy. Like all of it seemed to be like a nightmare from which he couldn't wake up. He wanted so desperately to wake up from it, but he couldn't. He blankly stared at the closing elevator doors with Jules inside.

"Sammy…" he felt Natalie hug him tightly. "Spike called me, I came here as fast as I could."

Sam sighed and stroked Nat's blonde hair, not really sure if he wanted to calm her or himself down.

"Where are they taking her?" Ed asked with a concerned tone of voice.

"They're doing magnetic resonance imaging on her," Sam said with a tired voice.

"Why?" Spike inquired with a tense voice. "They ran a few tests a while ago."

"She moved her hand…" the Boss whispered rubbing his forehead.

"Wh..what?" Spike and Ed gazed at him with surprise.

Sam combed his hair with his hand and smiled lightly."Yeah…I felt her move her hand."

"Well, that's good isn't ?" Spike cheered grinning widely." I knew Jules won't give up so easily."

"So, why did they take her to get an MRI?" Raf asked.

Sam shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his bloodshot eyes. "He wanted to check if Jules' cerebral blood flow is getting better…"

He glanced at Parker. "Can you do me a favor Boss?"

"Anything you want," he nodded and patted Sam on the shoulder. "What do you need?"

Sam massaged his neck and said," I have to do something, and later on talk with Dr. Giner. Can you please sit next to Jules when she gets back from the MRI? I don't want her to lie in that hospital room all alone…."

"Of course I will sit by her side Sam," Parker said with a paternal voice."I feel honored that you are asking me to do it. I'll text you when she's back here."

San shook the Boss's hand and left quietly towards the stairs.

* * *

***40 minutes later- dr Giner's consulting room**

"I can see that you gave some blood," Dr. Giner glanced at the band-aide on Sam's arm, "that' good."

"Yeah whatever," Sam snapped. "Tell me what's on those MRI results."

"Nurse Sallie will bring the results within a few minutes," replied. "Please be patient, Mr. Braddock."

Sam sighed and started to tap his fingers on the table.

"How's Ollie doing? " he asked suddenly.

The Doctor slid his glasses down his nose and glanced at him with surprise. "You know Oliver Marshall?"

"I met him in the chapel today," he replied looking at thedoctor.

The Doctor glanced at him." We couldn't save him. He passed away half an hour ago."

"My God…" Sam held his forehead and shook it with disbelief.

"He needed a kidney transplant, but he didn't have enough luck to get one from a donor. He had massive respiratory problems and his body was too exhausted to fight for his life. Shame, because he was such a nice and polite boy…."

The door opened and a nurse entered with files. She passed them to the doctor and left. Giner opened the grey envelope and looked at the results.

"So?" Sam hurried the doctor."Any news, doc?Because I want to get back to Jules' room as soon as possible."

He silently browsed through files.

"Mr. Braddock, I don't see any improvements in cerebral blood flow in Miss Callaghan condition."

"What?" Sam stood up and yelled, "What the heck are you trying to tell me? I know what I felt! SHE. MOVED. HER .HAND . For God's sake!" he slowly exaggerated every single word.

"But I'm not denying that she didn't," the doctor replied softly trying to calm Sam down. "Spontaneous and reflex movements may occur even in brain-dead patients. These movements originate from spinal cord neurons and do not preclude a brain-death diagnosis. There are cases where even the so-called Lazarus sign, the most dramatic and complex movement were seen in brain-dead patients, have been seen. The Lazarus reflex is a reflex movement in brain-dead or brainstem failure patients, which causes them to briefly raise their arms and drop them crossed on their chests like in a position similar to some Egyptian mummies. Like the knee jerk reflex, the Lazarus sign is an example of a reflex mediated by a reflex arc – a neural pathway which passes via the spinal column but not through the brain. As a consequence, the movement is possible in brain-dead patients whose organs have been kept functioning by life-support machines, precluding the use of complex involuntary motions as a test for brain activity. The reflex is often preceded by slight shivering motions of the patient's arms, or the appearance of goose bumps on the arms and torso. The arms then begin to flex at the elbows before lifting to be held above the sternum. They are often brought from here towards the neck or chin and touch or cross over. Short exhalations have also been observed coinciding with the action. The other reflex movements observed in our brain-dead patients were finger and toe jerks, extension at arms and shoulders, and flexion of arms and occurrence of spinal reflexes in brain-dead patients may certainly delay decision making, such as starting a transplantation procedure, because of difficulties in convincing the family or even a physician taking part in the diagnosis of brain death. An awareness of spinal reflexes may prevent delays in and misinterpretations of the brain-death diagnosis."

"But she hasn't been declared brain dead yet! " Sam hissed through clenched teeth and punch the table in front of him with his fist. " So stop telling me this crap!"

"Mr. Braddock," Dr. Giner was lenient of Sam's behavior, "I just want you to be aware that any spinal reflex movements may occur in Miss Callaghan's state and it doesn't have to mean that something changed, even though we all want that. Her cerebral blood flow hasn't changed. Her brain still has edema and further prognoses are still poor. I'm sorry that I don't have good news , but I can't lie to you. If her state doesn't change, we're gonna declare her brain dead and prepare her for organ and tissue donation."

Sam didn't want to listen any second longer. He turned on his heel and left slamming the door.

* * *

**A/N:**

Yes, I'm bad. I killed Ollie, Jules state isn't getting any better. You can throw tomatoes at me now :)

**Reviews are more than welcome!**


	7. Like pregnancy, is either yes or no

**Disclaimer : **I own nothing…

**Author's note : **Yes I know, I wasn't updated quite long. I got lots of work and I couldn't unfortunately find time to write. I'm sorry but sometimes that's the life is….

So Just for your info, **this cha****pter wasn't edited **, but I decided to post it anyway because my updates are quite rare lately. I hope you will enjoy this chapter anyway.

Cheers,

Sules

* * *

**Chapter VI **

**L****ike pregnancy, is either "yes" or "no"**

* * *

_***flashback***_

"_Your __empathy __sometimes __scares me Jules" Sam said sadly jumping to SUV "You can't put your life on edge to save all subjects. Today you crossed the line, it was too dangerous. "_

"_That's our job Sam" Jules rolled her hazelnut eyes and kissed him gently in cheek "besides I'm ok."_

"_It was long five seconds before we knew you were ok" he murmured wiping dust from her forehead_

"_And I'm ok" she smiled widely_

"_You're bleeding" he saw that strand of her brown hair was colored with red blood._

"_It's just a scratch Sam" she waved her hand nonchalantly ._

"_This time it is just a scratch, next time you can be torn into pieces Jules " he snapped "Geez, Jules even Sarge said that you shouldn't stay up there for so long…You crossed the line of safety today Jules.."_

"_But I saved her" she smiled changing the gear "I knew that she don't want die up there, that she want to live"_

"_And I want __**you**__ to live Jules " Sam said sharply "I love you for being so big hearted, for trying to saving people, for your emotions, all love you for who you are but you can't save all the world. How you can save anyone if you die?"_

"_They always can take my organs if they will be good enough to transplant " she winked to Sam who just huffed hearing how Jules was teasing with him._

"_You mean so much to me that I just can't imagine living without you. I can't visualize breathing without you sweetheart . Please, be aware of the fact that I would die too if something will happen to you."_

"_Sam," she pulled over the car and glanced at him " look, we both know how hard and dangerous this work can be, we knew it. I know it's even harder when we are together but that's the job. "she gently placed her hand on Sam's cheek "trust me I really want to live, especially live by your side. I always wanted to __have my own place, one in which __I could slow __down__, __whenever I want. Now__I have my own __house and though __you __live in it I do not want __to change __any thing __now. I devised quite __a good plan __for us , I want to get old with you, still __there are so few __matched __pairs as we are " she winked to him "God could __give us__a chance for last time"_

"_I'm just frantically scared of losing you Jules" Sam put aside her grey from dust fringe "all painful memories when you where shot and when you where bleeding out in that lab came back to me today when you where left alone with that suicide girl. I thought that you both will die blowing up by that bomb. I just…" he hid his face in palms and tear ran down his cheek "I just can't afford to loose you . You're my everything."_

"_You won't loose me Sam " Jules wiped his tear by her thumb "I will always be by your side, always. And trust me , I'm not going anywhere, __I don't wanna be anywhere but here__ by your side . Geezz, Braddock I'm __like a__soft__crisp sayin' those romantic words to you " she grinned widely "But you have to accept how I work. So take me as I am, __'cause I'm through with changin' , what you see is what you get and…"_

_She felt how he closed her mouth by kiss, soft , caring , understanding. He could swear that she still taste like mango smoothie that they had this morning. _

"_I love you just the way you are" he whispered laying a kiss on the tip of her nose "I don't need you to fix yourself to take my blues away; I want you to be yourself exactly as you are; I just want to be sure that you know when to back off…"_

_Jules grinned widely and punch softly Sam in arm "That was so sweet Mr. JTF2 tough soldier. No worries , I won't give you a chance to find __my__successor. You're__condemned to__me until I can possibly think by even tiny seconds how perfect you look wearing only water droplets after evening shower."_

"_Oh, " he raised his eyebrow in cocky way "you mean that I should put fluffy pink pajamas to fit to your panda slippers? "_

_Jules laughed and rolled her hazelnut eyes "Sure, Sam, sure. You in pink plush pajamas will definitely turn me on" she start the engine and get back on road ._

"_That's ok sweetheart" he smirked glancing at her amused face "we can play in __Inspektor Clouseau and Pink Panther in the evening if you want to."_

"_Only if you will move like Jagger " she leered and turn on the comm. again._

* * *

***present time***

"I will let you go if you want, sweetheart" Sam whispered gazing at Jules' pale face ; his hand was gently caressing her hand.

"Sam.." Boss gently placed his palm on Braddock's shoulder "I think we should talk"

Sam still staring at Jules said "I can't be selfish Boss, I can't be egoist. This kind of man is not the one she loves. If she decided to sign that declaration she believed I'm gonna be by her side then. She trusted that I love her strong enough to let her go. It's Jules , the savior. Screwing up and being a human was her biggest fear. I take her as she is, with all her emotions, empathy , desire to save the world."

Parker looked at unconscious Callaghan and whispered partially to Sam, partially to her "Jules is one of the best people I know. She is like a daughter for me . She is heart of our team"

"She is my heart Boss" Sam glanced at Greg and tear ran down his cheek "As much I want her to stay alive, I have to respect what she want. If the doctors declare that her brain is…"he hung his voice and swallow the saliva "dead , I'll comply with hers request and I will give her go as she wants. My heart will go on by her. Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime. Jules is the love of my life. Near, far, wherever she is or will be my heart will go on only for her. Letting her go could be the last gift that I can give her".

"Sam, we both know that it isn't sure that she will be declared brain dead"

"I know and I so desperately want her to live but I finally understand that loving someone means respecting their wishes even that cause massive pain inside someone else. If only I haven't press that damn trigger"

"Sam, it's not the right time or place to accuse yourself for that." Boss said calmly and glanced at Callaghan "Jules would not blame you for this situation. You know that."

"Yeah," Sam smirked "knowing her she would be pissed at herself that she allowed to occur such a situation. She is such a perfectionist….I don't want to loose her Boss."

"We all don't want that Sam" Parker sighed heavily and caressed gently Jules' cheek "I never told her how much I owe her, how I appreciate her as negotiator, sniper and friend. She is like a daughter that I never had."

"She knows that Boss " Sam smiled lightly "she understands you without words. Once she told me she want you to lead her to altar during her wedding. She treats you not only like a mentor, but as a father as well. "

"I want her to be my successor at Sergeant spot when I'll retire" Parker confessed "she deserves that. Jules is amazing at her job. She will be perfect sergeant."

Sam's eyes wide opened and he smiled " Jules will be honored and thrilled as she regains consciousness knowing that. That is something." Sam turned to Jules way and whispered into her ear "Did you hear that sweetheart? I will be husband of Sergeant Callaghan one day. Or maybe Sergeant Braddock if you accept my surname ."

"I think Jules remains with her surname. She worked too hard to be confused with cocky ex-JTF2 soldier" Parker scored on a little joke in this sad situation .

Sam laughed when by the corner of the eye he saw that door opened and familiar posture came in.

"Hi Steve" Boss welcomed him "did you found out something?"

"Yes and no" he replied bitterly "But I don't want to talk about it here. Can we go outside?"

Sam and Parker exchanged sighs and Greg whispered "Go Sam, I will stay with her."

* * *

Steve lead Sam to small room for paramedics. They sat opposite to each other and Steve started to talk : "I know you want to be next to Jules so I make it quick" .

Sam just nodded and rubbed his bloodshot eyes.

"I heard that after hour the doctors will gather for the next time to check Jules' brain functioning. I want to explain you what they would do. I thought you would like to know." Steve glanced at Sam.

Braddock licked his lower lip and sighed "Thanks Morgan. I really appreciate it."

Steve unzip his EMS jacket and said : "The examination for brain death is based on response to external stimuli. Since the brain is the organ that feels outside pain, when the brain is dead the patient feels nothing. Before the examination is performed, the physician will have a toxicology test performed to make sure the patient does not have any muscle relaxants in his system, and will check that the patient's body temperature is not extremely abnormal, either of which may reduce neurological reflexes." He hung his voice for a second and glanced at Sam. He was staring blankly at his hands, like he was trying to find someone's else palm there.

"Sam, " he continued softly "many physicians request additional, confirmatory tests before pronouncing brain death. The two most common are the electroencephalogram (EEG) and the cerebral blood flow (CBF) study. The EEG measures brain voltage in microvolts. It is so sensitive that the static electricity in a person's clothes will give a squiggle on the EEG (a false positive). All positive responses suggest brain function. The patient in the deepest coma will show some EEG electroactivity, while the brain-dead patient will not. The cerebral blood flow (CBF) study study involves the injection of a mild radioactive isotope into the blood stream. By placing a radioactivity counter over the head, one can measure the amount of blood flow into the brain. The cerebral blood flow study takes 20 to 30 minutes to perform. If there is no blood flow to the brain as demonstrated by this study, the brain is dead. A negative cerebral flow study is indisputable evidence of a dead brain. Another confirmatory test is chemical: The patient can be given 1 mg of atropine IV. In the patient with an intact brain, atropine will dramatically increase the patient's heart rate. In a brain-dead patient, atropine will not influence heart rate. Now you have some idea of the scope of the examination that takes place before a patient is pronounced "brain dead." Patients are considered either alive or dead. One cannot be "almost" brain dead or "essentially" brain dead. Brain death, like pregnancy, is either "yes" or "no." Likewise, brain death is a very conservative diagnosis. It is not made lightly, but only when there is no doubt in the findings."

Sam nodded silently still staring at his own hands "I hear you Steve, I understand"

"Don't get me wrong Sam" Steve sighed heavily "I want Jules to get better but I want you to be aware of the procedure that will be conducted after hour. "

"Thanks" Sam whispered

"Unfortunately you can't be next to Jules when they will carry out the examination" Steve said "I don't want to impose myself but if you want I can be there as a medical support. But it's up to you."

Sam lifted his head and whispered "If the policy doesn't allow me to be next to her, I want her to have someone familiar during those tests. Just please, hold on to tiny chance that she might get through those test. Fight for her there Steve."

"I will, " he said and rubbed his forehead "with all my soul I want her to recover."

Sam nodded and stood up : "I need to go. As much I don't want even to think about it, but maybe it's a last hour that I can spent with her…" his voice trembled and he hurriedly left the room….

* * *

**A/N:**

I'm going to Croatia for ten days on Monday so hopefully I will come back with fresh head and ideas. Stay tuned for next updates!

**Reviews are more than welcome!**


	8. Eyes are soft with sorrow

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing here….

**Author's note: **Well , well, well… Looks who's back. Yes, I sprinkle ashes on my head for such a long break in writing. However, I really have pretty good excuse. Believe me guys. There's a time in woman's life when she is very tired, sleepy and have no strength for anything. There's also more of unpleasant adventures at the beginning of every pregnancy. Yes, you will be FF's aunties and uncles. So hopefully you will forgive me my absence here.

And now, N'joy new chapter. Just for your info. It wasn't beta'd. I didn't want to put a pressure of time on my favorite beat reader **KateEals.** But hopefully , all of you will understand my doodles.

Cheers,

Sules

* * *

**Chapter VII**

**Eyes are soft with sorrow**

* * *

"Sammy, it's time. Come on." Natalie put her hand on Sam's shoulder "You can't stay here. You really have to go…"

"Yeah, I know Nat" he sighed combing his hair with hand "I just need one more minute Nat, please."

Natalie nodded and left with slow steps the room. Dimmed light made Sam's face even more pale than it was already . He closed his blue eyes and took a deep breath. Dr Giner's words still buzzed into his head. They pierced his brain like a screwdriver.

* * *

_***flashback***_

"_Mr Braddock, the examination for brain death of Miss Callaghan was based on response to external stimuli. Since the brain is the organ that feels outside pain, when the brain is dead the patient feels nothing. Before the examination is performed, the physician will have a toxicology test performed to make sure the patient does not have any muscle relaxants in his system, and will check that the patient's body temperature is not extremely abnormal, either of which may reduce neurological reflexes. The positive examination for brain death includes the following. __The patient has __no response__ to command__, verbal, visual or otherwise. __The patient __is flaccid__, with are flexic extremities.__The patient __**has no movements**__ - the arms and legs are raised and allowed to fall to see if there are adjacent movements, restraint or hesitation in the fall. The pupils are unreactive (fixed). The patient's eyes are opened and a very bright light is shined into the pupil. The light will activate the optic nerve and send a message to the brain. In the normal brain, the brain will send an impulse back to the eye to constrict the pupil. In the non-viable brain, no impulse will be generated. This is performed in both eyes. Next one is the patient has no oculocephalic reflex. The patient's eyes are opened and the head turned from side to side. The active brain will allow a roving motion of the eyes; the non-functional brain will not. The eyes remain fixed. The patient has no corneal reflexes. A cotton swab is dragged across the cornea while the eye is held open. The intact brain will want the eye to blink. The dead brain will not. This is performed in both eyes. The patient has no response - either purposeful or posturing - to supra-orbital stimulation. The patient's eyebrow ridge is compressed with the thumb. The resulting stimulation pressure will cause motion of the extremities, either purposeful or primitive posturing, in the living-brain patient, but none in the brain-dead patient. The patient has no oculovestibular reflex. The patient's ear canal is inspected to ensure an intact tympanic membrane and that the ear is free of wax. While holding the eyes open, ice water is injected into the ear canal. The drastic change in ear temperature will cause a violent eye twitching by the intact brain but no reaction in the brain-dead patient. This is performed in both ears. The patient has no gag reflex. The movement of the breathing tube (in and out) or the insertion of a smaller tube down the breathing tube will cause a gag reflex in a comatose patient, but will not elicit a reflex in the brain-dead patient. The patient has no spontaneous respiration. The patient is temporarily removed from life support (the ventilator). With the cessation of breathing by the machine, the body will immediately start to build up metabolic waste of carton dioxide (CO2) in the blood. When the CO2 level reaches a level of 55 mm Hg, the active brain will cause the patient to breathe spontaneously. The dead brain gives no response. Miss Callaghan didn't came through any of these test. We have checked her electroencephalogram and the cerebral blood flow . After this extensive clinical examination, Miss Callaghan shows no sign of neurological function and the cause of the injury is known, so she can_ _be pronounced "brain dead." I'm sorry for your loss, but her organs will save lots of people. You can go to her and say goodbye if you want."_

* * *

***present time***

Sam with shaking hands clumsily tried to tie his black tie. A long piece of material didn't want to fold into a nice knot. Furiously, he tossed it onto bed and cursed :

"Shit, for the last time I want to look good for her and I even can't tie a bloody tie" . Sam sat on the corner of bed and holding Jules' photo whispered "You always laughed at me that I have strict military habits and I can't tie my own tie properly." Sam smirked to himself "I loved when you, so perfectly dressed, smelling with your favorite fragrance, came closer to me and with your soft hands tied my tie. You always made that flawlessly. No wonder, you were raised with four brothers. And now…" He hid his face in hands "how I am suppose to live without you, sweetheart? There's no life without you….."

Sam felt how someone put a hand on his shoulder. He wiped tears from his eyes and glanced at standing next to him man.

"Boss, I can't go…"

"Sam, you never won't be ready to say goodbye to her. Like no one from us. I still catching myself thinking that this is just a bad dream. " Greg sighed and took Sam's tie "No one will force you to forget about her , but you will never forgive yourself if you won't be there for her. That you won't walk with her on her last way. It's hard for all of us, I can't even imagine how hard it can be for you, but Jules deserved for our presence there. She somehow needs us there. For the last time. She needs you Sam."

Parker tied Braddock's tie and handed him jacket. Sam nodded and slowly put it on. Subconsciously, he knew of Greg's right, but he couldn't forget that he released the bullet that led to Jules' death. Sam sighed and took from vase large bouquet of white tulips.

* * *

When they entered to chapel, Sam on autopilot came straight to first row. He passed people recognizing just few of them. He didn't care that everyone was staring at him. He just sat on a bench in a first row just in front of huge photo of Jules. She was wearing her SRU uniform and she was smiling widely. Only black, velvet band that was tied through corner of her photo made everyone realized what kind of Mass all of them will be participate in a minute.

Sam by the corner of his eye saw how Spike was comforting crying Natalie. Actually, he wasn't looked better than she was. He got bloodshot eyes, pale face and devastated Nat was the only one that kept him strong. Ed and Sophie were sitting, next to Greg and Marina. All of them were just broken and with blank look. He saw Steve, Raf and Leah, Winnie and Kira , Team Two, Three and Five members. He even saw Comm. Holleran and dr. Toth. He slowly directed his sight on urn with the ashes that was standing next to photo.

_So that's all that left from the love of my life? Should I get to know exactly what organs and tissues they took from ya sweetheart? Do I have right for it? _Thoughts were running through his head _ I respect your decision but in this moment I don't care how many lives you have saved if you are gone. _He glanced at her photo _Don't look at me this way sweetheart, I let you go. Even if it still hurt me inside as I have just drunk some acid, I had let you go. You knew that eventually I will do it when you signed that donation papers. God Jules, why? Why? For God's sake WHY!?_

Darkness fell before his eyes. He felt how he is floating away, into long peaceful sail. He didn't want to go back from there. Sam couldn't remember even tiny second from the mass.

When he woke up from his sail he was standing at her grave. Most of people were gone. Just Team One left standing still next to him. He glanced at white marble with her name.

"Will you guys give us a minute?" unexpectedly he turned to his mates. They silently nodded and left leaving him solely.

Sam gently put tulips on a fresh ground and suddenly he fell on his knees crying :

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I should have protect you and I made you die. I'm so sorry, I can't imagine my life without you. Jules, Jules…"

Loud weep of a devastated man filled the silent air of cemetery. Sam was lying on Jules' grave crying when he heard manly voice behind him.

"You must be Sam Braddock? Jewel's boyfriend?"

Sam sitting on a ground turned back and saw five men standing next to him. Four of them were between thirty and forty years old. The fifth, old man was standing supported by a walking stick.

"Our plane was delayed and we were late for the mass. I'm Jack Callaghan, Julianna's brother. That's Jim, Jason and Josh. " he pointed at three men "And that's our Dad, John Callaghan."

Sam wiped dirty from soil hands and shook men's hands. That wasn't the occasion when he wanted to meet Jules' family. Who informed them about funeral? Boss? Someone from hospital or SRU? Sam felt that he should have done that. He wanted to say something to Callaghans standing in front of him , but words stuck in his throat. Sam couldn't say a tiny word to them.

"We need to talk young man." John Callaghan said harshly and glanced with pain at his daughter's grave.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Reviews are more than welcome!**

I know, that most of you will be throwing tomatos at me what I have just done but believe me this is not the end of this story. I wonder do you have any ideas where I'm gonna lead this plot. But You have to wait till next chapter to find that out.

See ya later guys,

Sules


	9. Like a half empty glass

**Disclaimer : **I own nothing….

**Editor : **KateEals – How I missed your comments sis!

**Authr note's : **First of all , I want to thank all of you for nice PM's and reviews. I know it took me a while to post new chapter, but being pregnant eats my time lately Now, I would be a great wrier of pregnant Jules story! haha

Anyway, I hope you will enjoy this chapter. Have fun.

Sules

* * *

**Chapter XVIII**

**Like a half empty glass**

* * *

"I'm sorry, I haven't had the time to clean up…" Sam sighed, apologizing while quickly picking up a blanket from the couch and putting it on a nearby chair. The blue, soft blanket that Jules loved to cover herself with during winter evenings. Yesterday, he had wrapped himself with the familiar material imagining he could feel the tiny warmth of her body, her sweet and comforting scent, the scent of home to him. He'd sighed to himself in that moment; imagining her warmth, her smell was getting harder, just as he'd felt catching his breath and breathing had been so hard those long days in the hospital, her last on Earth.

"That's ok," Josh said sitting on the couch. "I guess that cleaning before the funeral was the last thing you had on your mind."

"Besides," Jim interjected, "a few glasses and plates and one blanket isn't a mess. You should have seen Jason's room while he was a teenager. That was a mess."

Jason frowned and pouted his lips, pretending that he felt offended by his brother's words. Sam realized that Jules used to pout her lips in the same manner. The Callaghan manner. God, he would give anything to see her frown one more time. Just one more time…

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked the Callaghans trying to focus on something. To stop thinking about her. About Jules. His Jules.

"Water will be fine. We won't stay long, young man." Jules' father said sharply. "We've got a flight in the evening."

Sam brought a jug of water with lemon and mint and a few glasses. He put it on the table and sat next to Jason.

Jim smirked bitterly and whispered, " Jewel loved water with lemon and mint."

"I know," Sam nodded. "I started to drink it when I met her."

"Listen Sam," Jules' father said. "I haven't been in touch with Jules for years, but that doesn't mean I haven't got a clue what was going on with her. I knew that she was shot, that there was shrapnel in her heating artery, and that she was exposed to anthrax. I was trying to force her to not choose this path afew years ago. I wanted to protect her. But she was as stubborn as her mother…"

"You are immovable too, Dad," Jason smirked and took a sip of water. "Julianna cumulated stubbornness from both you and Mom."

"Samantha was more stubborn than I am, Jason." John Callaghan fought back with a raised voice. "And Julianna was like a mirror image of her mother. They wereboth stubborn as hell, and it led them both to their coffins."

Sam loosened his tie and sighed heavily. He ran his hand through his blonde hair and pinned his blue eyes through a photo that was standing on the fireplace mantle. Winnie took it at a picnic when they were officially allowed to stay on Team One. Jules' brown hair was in a mess caused by the warm breeze that had blown through it, teased it on that warm, carefree day. She was glowing. Her eyes were glitteringwith happiness looking at Sam. She had a wide smile thatshe could show for the first time without fear of reproach glued on him. Her hand was placed on his chest while he gently laid a kiss on the tip of her head. Those were the happy days. The best days of his life.

Jules' father's voice violently tore him from his memories. He sighed and bit his lower lip, just the same as Jules used to do.

"You know, young man, I would pray to God every day to let her come back home safe after shift. To let her live. I was so desperately frightened of losing her that I kept myself from her. That I turned my back on her," his voice started to tremble. "But I knew as well that she had someone who protected her here, here in Toronto. Someone who would breathe the air that she was breathing. Someone to love her and someone whom she loved. I knew that she had you, Sam."

Sam covered his face in his hands and sighed heavily. "But it was me who took that shot. I-KILLED-HER! I killed the love of my life. My Jules."

"You didn't kill her, son." The old Callaghan put his hand on Braddock's shoulder. "She knew the risks. Julianna was a stubborn but responsible woman. She knew that something could happen to her everyday. That's why she decided to sign the donation card. My old friend worked in the SRU, so I knew how all of this happened. I just…" he coughed, "I just want you to know that I don't blame you for this. She wouldn't want that. I can only blame myself that I couldn't force her to stop being a cop. But then," he smirked bitterly, "she wouldn't have met you and become truly happy."

Sam glanced at him with a curious 'd thought, even sub-consciously desired, that Mr. Callaghan had come to yell at him, blame him for taking his only daughter away from him. His actual words were the complete opposite of what Sam thought he'd hear. Mr. Callaghan was actually trying to comfort him.

"Yes, my son," Mr. Callaghan sighed, "she called me a few months ago. First time in years. And she sounded so happy, cheerful. Like never before. You made her happy. I want to thank you for that."

"Jewel sent this to us two months ago," Jason passed abrown envelope to Sam."She attached a letter asking us to give it to you if something ever happened to her."

"Dad, we gotta go," Jim whispered. "Our flight will be leaving quite soon."

"I'm gonna give you a ride," Sam said.

"No, thank you," old Callaghan said. "I think you should take a look at what she left you."

"Listen Sam," Jason turned to Braddock. "I just want you to know that if you need anything, we are here for you. If Jewel trusted you, we trust you as well. You are our family."

"Thank you," Sam whispered, fidgeting with the envelope. "It means a lot to me. Really."

He watched the Callaghan family climb into the taxi and drive away. Slowly he sat on the couch and, with shaking hands, opened the envelope. It still smelled like Jules' perfume. Daisies.

In the envelope, there was just a DVD labeled "To Sam."

He turned on the TV and DVD player. He pressed the play button and held his breath. On the screen was Jules, his Jules. Smiling, cheerful, and beautiful as tried to remember when she wore that red dress. What was the occasion? Was it Sarge's birthday? No, at that time her hair was loose and on the screen he saw that her hair was tied high in a bun. So when had she recorded it?

_Okay, Sam, I got about half an hour before you come back home from shift. I hope I look good for you, because I've got some surprises for you. _She winked and giggled but became serious again straightaway as she talked to him from beyond the grave.

_Sam, if you are watching this, then I'mprobably gone .I don't know how it would happen, but it means I'm gone. I want you to know that I signed __an organ__ donation card yesterday. I hope you love me strongly enough to let me go if it's necessary._

_I feel that I have to say something to you, leave you some message, because you will probablybe shattered now. Well, I suppose that, Sam, I know you will be. You are more romantic in this relationship that I am. Or I should say I was. _She paused for a second to smile in that knowing, teasing way of hers. Sam couldn't help but smile back at her in return as if they were in the middle of one of their mundane morning conversations.

_Thank you for being a shoulder for me to cry on. __Thank you, Sam, for giving me such a wonderful life. I may not know it at times, but I am truly blessed. Thank you, Sam, for everything that you've done... You're always in my heart. I love you. I wish I could be a __better me__ for you__, but hey, _she paused to chuckle a moment, _you get what you get with me I guess__._

_Before I met you, I was like a half empty glass, __ya know?__Once you think about it, life is so boring. Everyday, you have the same routine. When you __came in my life__ it became a life of meaning in itself. God Sam, I'm so sorry I can't be by your side now, that I left you alone down there. _She said these last words with a sad smile, a tear of both sorrow and joy edging her right eye.

As if predicting Sam's reaction to her speech, she continued. _Shhh, don't cry…. I will love you forever._

_Sam, put yourself together, soldier. You have to get through this. You can handle this situation. __I have all the faith in the world that you can__. I knew the risks of my job. I'm okay now. Live. Live for me. For us. I love you. I only regret that I told you that so rarely. Live, love, and be happy, Sam. I love you._

_I hope I wasn't easy to get, because then I __won't be__ easy to forget._

_I love you, Sam. My love for you is stronger than death. I'll find you one day. My heart, my love will find you, Sam…_

Sam paused the DVD and stared at Jules' face. It was tensed, but her eyes were so truthful. She even thought about what would happen to him if she was gone.

Sam stepped closed to the TV screen and touched the image of Jules' face frozen on the monitor. He traced her jaw line, lips, tiny nose.

"I'm so, so, so sorry, sweetheart," he sobbed falling onto his knees. "I'm so sorry…."

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**A/N:**

Dun , dun , dun…. And how was it ? Did you like it ? **Please review**!

Next chapter will be the last one,

Sules


	10. Larger than Life

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing…

**Editor: ** KateEals – thank you my dear for your precious remarks!I loved every single one.

**Author's note: **

And here we are. The final chapter of _Harder to breathe _. I hope you will enjoy it.

Few songs were inspirational for me during writing this chapter.

Sules

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**Chapter IX**

…**Larger than Life…**

* * *

***Eighteen months later***

"Sierra two! Scorpio," Greg shouted nervously. "Ed! Scorpio!"

The dead body of the subject hit the floor making a dull sound.

"Spike, go to Sam. Check what's going on with him." Parker sounded worried. "Sam, talk to me buddy. Sam!"

Spike ran quickly to the Sierra One position on the call, worried about why Braddock hadn't responded or shot when Scorpio was called.

"EMS, we need EMS in here!" Spike shouted seeing his teammate lying on the floor. "Samtastic , come on man, say something!"

But Sam's royal blue eyes were empty and icy. His lips were trembling, trying to say something, and his face was pale.

_Someone is calling me? Can't be. Where am I? Why can't I move? I can't even blink or make a tiny sound. Am I dead? If yes, I hope Jules is waiting for me with open arms. If yes, it was worth it to bleed out my heart and soul living without her. Now, nothing matters more than the moment when I will see her face, when I will hold her…..Wait, no…I don't want to wake up…Leave me where I am…Spike? No, buddy, please don't…_

"Thank God, Samtastic , you're back." Spike smiled widely seeing his teammate moving.

"Spike…what the hell happened," Sam asked holding his head.

"I want to know that as well, man," Spike said. "You were Sierra One and everything was fine, but when Greg told you to take the subject down, you were out; we haven't got a clue what happened…"

"You were in some kind of catatonia," said Steve checking Sam's condition. Braddock seemed to notice at that moment that EMS was taking care of him .

"What?" Sam glanced at him with curiosity.

"You were like a switched off Energizer bunny when someone takes the battery out. You couldn't move, blink, etc. Something had to trigger this state in your mind," Steve explained checking his eyes with small flashlight. "We gotta take you to hospital for some more tests."

"I'm fine," said Sam sharply.

"He will show up at the hospital," Greg declared as he showed up next to Steve. "That's an order,Sam."

"Yes sir," replied Sam reluctantly, and supported by Steve, went to the hospital.

* * *

***Six hours later***

It was dark outside when he placed fresh flowers in the small vase next to her photo. He gently wiped the dust from her face and sat on the ground. Staring at her hazelnut eyes, he remained silent for few moments. Like he was enjoying this time, just with her. Here and now.

"Hey Sweetheart," Sam whispered. "I know it's quite late, but I couldn't come earlier," he began as if having a conversation with someone right next to him.

"It's been eighteen months since you left. I had lots of sessions with psychologists, even with almighty . And I thought that somehow I dealt with your death. Till today." He sighed looking at the white marble tombstone.

"Today on a call,a subject escalated and made a human shield from teenager girl. I had him in my sights, but then for a moment I thought that I was back in time. That he was holding not that girl but you, Jules. And I wasn't able to pull the trigger….I flew away…." He moaned heavily and smirked. "For a moment I thought that I was dead. And you know what? I was happy. Happy that the dog days wereover , that the dog days were done for me. That the misery that loves me so much lately vanished. That finally I would see your pretty face and we could live forever together. I felt really good. God Jules, I felt so peaceful and pleased. But then I found out that I was still here, and you are there. That it was just wishful thinking…."

Sam licked his lips and combed his hair with his hand. "When I came back home, our home,_Old Man River _by Frank Sinatra was playing on the radio. He sung something about bending his knees and bowing his head and pulling that rope until he was dead. That same old miserable grind of his existence. And you know what, Sweetheart? I was enlightened you are, that's where I wanna be. And through your eyes, all the things I wanna see. In the night, you are my dream; you're everything to me. Still. I'm far from being over you. You're the love of my life, and the breath in my prayers. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you ?"

Sam took out his revolver with vintage pearl grips from his pocket. "Remember this, Sweetheart? How you almost shot me down thinking that I was going to pull this gun on you? This Colt joined us somehow, and it may rejoin us one more time."

He started to play with the Colt. "I'm falling to pieces, Sweetheart. People say bad things happen for a reason, but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding in my heart . Jules, take my hand, lead me there where you are. What I need is you by my side. I can't forget when we were one. How from your lips the Heavens poured out for me. Do you remember how after the barbeque at the Lane's we were walking home? And how in the park we went dancing in the moonlight with the starlight in your big brown eyes? We went dancing till the sunrise?"

He placed the barrel of the Colt onto the side of his head. "You and me, we're gonna dance again, Jules. Soon, I promise. You are the love of my life. Our love is stronger than death. We've waited for so long for this moment to be together in death. This world is a cruel place without you, and death will bless me with you. I will join you in death." He sighed and closed his eyes preparing to meet the oblivion of an eternity that he thought would be so much better than the hell he was currently living through, a place where he would live on with his Jules and forget this life of toil that was slowly killing him just as she had slowly died eighteen months before.

He heard the click as he pulled the hammer back…

"You think she would appreciate what you want to do?" he heard a female voice behind his back ask. "I suppose she would kick your ass for that behavior."

Sam turned his head trying to recognize who was talking to him. But the tiny woman figure was standing in the shadow of atree.

"Who are you?" he asked, focusing his eyes on the silhouette of a woman that somehow seemed familiar, for what reason, he had no clue.

"Does it matter?" the female replied combing her hair with her hand. "All that matters is that all Constable Callaghan wanted was your happiness. She wanted you to live, for her and for both of you. I'm just saying."

"Jules?" Sam asked standing and staring at the female figure standing in the shadows. "Is that you?"

"We both know that Julianna Callaghan is dead, and as much as you want to resurrect her, it's impossible,"the woman said sadly. "But in her death, she saved lots of lives. She somehow lives through them. You should respect that and live," the woman declared alluding to Jules' final wishes.

"I know you love her more than anything, but let her go. Live loving her inside you. Through your behavior, show how much you appreciate every tiny choice that she made. She loved you, I'm sure of that." A tear began to roll down Sam's cheek at the truth of the woman's words." And she would be pissed if you just decide to put a hole in your brain." Sam chuckled despite himself at the woman's droll line."Don't be selfish. Live. Let the memory of her will be spread by you. Don't let people forget about her. You two will meet one day. But not now. It's not your time. She needs you here, not there."

Sam was still shocked by the speech of the strange woman and glanced at the smiling photo of Jules on her tombstone. He took the shadow woman's monologue to heart. She was right: Jules would be eternally pissed if he took his own life.

"Whoever you are, you are right," he sighed as he hid the Colt in his pocket.

At the sight of his actions, he heard a sigh of relief escape the woman's mouth. "Promise you won't shoot your hear off?"

"Yes. I swear on all my love for Jules. She deserves to be remembered here. I will ensure that." He glanced at the woman and smiled."Thank you. Can you say your name at least, my guardian angel?"

The woman chuckled and turned her back. "It really doesn't matter, Sam. And I'm not your guardian angel. Jules is."

She started to walk away saying, "Jules is by your side forever. She never left. She is next to you. Just believe it."

Shocked, Sam stared at the women as she vanished into the fog. A light wind blew her hair and brought the sweet scent of daisies to Sam's nose. And somewhere in the distance, he could have sworn he heard the strong yet graceful call of a soaring crane.

**THE END**

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**A/N:**

I hope you have enjoyed the ride. I got an idea for sequel to this story but continuing it depends from you guys. Are you eager to read it?

**Reviews are more than welcome!**

Cheers,

Sules


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